What do unomusette and vlogdance have to do in all this? This is a llamas story, and last time I checked Unomusette and Vlogdance were still people. They might spit when they get angry, but that doesn't make them llamas!
Now, given that BSJ requested an update on Lorenzo Llama, I'll tell you what I know:
The Renegade travelled through the Bolivian high plateau and stopped close to the majestic Sajama, a 6,400 mts. high volcano. In that area he visited some cousins he has there.
He took a photo of his relatives with the mountain behind, yes...
...but Lorenzo wanted a photo of him on his own, posing to display his muscles and the already famous sunglasses he wears in Nieve's honour. “Those accusations of egomania are bullshit”, he said while posing.
It is said that his uncle had to house him in a separate barnyard because a few of his younger female cousins were looking at Lorenzo a bit too eagerly in spite of the family bonds.
After staying a few days at his cousins', where he made the most out of the occasion to eat, drink and sleep for free, he said goodbye, affirming very convincingly that God always pays. He caught his Harley-Davidson and before anyone could know it he had crossed the border with Peru and was heading to the Peruvian desert.
He was crossing the desert, very concentrated, when suddenly he saw beside him someone on a KTM going at full speed, trying to surpass him. Now, if you know Lorenzo Llama, you know that he brags about the supposed fact that no one has ever surpassed him or, if someone did, he isn’t alive to tell it. He feels there’s something really unmanly about letting others surpass you on the road. “It’s like consenting a violation” he once told me frowning; that’s how seriously he takes the matter. So what does he do when he sees the KTM pilot attempting that maneuver? He starts accelerating in order to avoid it. So what does the KTM driver do? He accelerates more, to which Lorenzo responds giving full throttle to his Davidson, something which the mysterious pilot did too. So there they were, a man and a llama in a competition to see who was more of a man –well, you get the idea-, their motors roaring deafeningly, their exhaust pipes spitting fire, their eyes full of sand yet popping out of their sockets, the veins on their foreheads thick as worms, and for the time being no one was being able to take advantage over the other.
In such fashion they went for a good five minutes until Lorenzo realized that the Davidson FL’s temperature was way too high and he needed to slow down or the engine would melt. But losing this duel was more than the Renegade’s pride could take, so in a desperate attempt to avoid what seemed inevitable, he spit to his side with such amazing luck that it went directly into the KTM pilot’s eyes, making him lose balance immediately and fall to the sand. Before running away with his victory, Lorenzo slowed down, made sure that his rear wheel covered the KTM pilot properly in sand, laughed out loudly and went on his way extremely pleased with himself, this time slower so his engine could cool down. "If I were Nieve" he thought "I'd be so in love with me...".
The KTM pilot in the exact moment Lorenzo Llama's spit got in his eyes
Shortly after this incident, Lorenzo noticed that the KTM driver wasn’t an isolated case and there was something really weird going on that day. He was surpassing several other motorbike drivers, many of them covered from their toes to their helmets in advertisements. “Anything for a few bucks, huh?”. Then he realized a helicopter was following him. “Damn, it’s the police again… I’ll have to teach those clowns a lesson”. Suddenly he crossed a line on the sand path and a big crowd of people appeared on either side of the road, forcing him to stop. “Well, I could punch a few but they are hundreds. Looks like I’m done for”. One of the members of the crowd asked him his name, and once the Renegade answered, they lift him up in the air and carried him around, shouting “Lorenzo! Lorenzo!” repeatedly while they threw flowers at him. Children asked him for selfies, the elderly asked for his blessing and the cripple tried to touch him. “Finally, the world has realized how great I am! I have fans! As it should have been since the beginning…” Lorenzo thought.
After promenading him all around the desert, the crowd delivered him on the first step of a podium, which below read “Dakar 2018”. Aha! That’s what was going on! That made the bikers, the helicopter and the rowdy crowd make sense. As everyone knows, the Dakar rally is having place these days in Peru. Lorenzo didn’t know it, but he was travelling on the same path the Dakar pilots were running! And what’s more, after getting mixed up with them he had involuntarily won the special (the timed lapse) of the day on the category “motorbikes”. So he took the cup, waved it up and down, open the champagne (he didn’t spill the crowd much with it, as it was free booze and he thought it would have been a waste) and celebrated his achievement. All of this time he made sure he didn’t take his helmet off and neither his clothes because if they realized he was a llama it could have raised suspicions, particularly about the driver who suffered that “accident” with someone spitting in his eyes with such precision.
Lorenzo with the cup on the podium, celebrating his victory
Later that night the Dakar organization realized no pilot on their records was registered under the name of “Lorenzo”, but when they went to look for the enigmatic winner of the special of the day to ask for explanations and eventually for the trophy back, he was nowhere to be found. The Renegade had fled to a nearby village. Witnesses say that he was seen at a cheap bar, enjoying the locals’ adulation, boasting about his exploit of the day, drinking irreverently from his Dakar cup and then exchanging it for a few gallons of fuel. “I’ve got enough to get to Colombia, maybe even to Panama!” he said, exultant. The owner of the bar even let him sleep on a couch after closing.
The next day Lorenzo woke up at 2 p.m. and, before continuing on his way to Ohio, decided he would cross the street to a cyber-café for breakfast and connecting himself to the internet to catch up with the news. That’s when he read the previous posts. These were his reactions:
“Banana Llama? Yeah, I know that guy, the one with two hoops on his back. Good lad, we used to be kind of friends when we were young until he disappeared. He always had a lot of money, although you couldn’t always tell where it came from. He used to be a drug dealer back then in our neighbourhood in the High Andes, then one day he disappeared out of nowhere without saying goodbye. Judging by the appearance of his entourage, it looks like he didn’t quit the business. Just look at the eyes of those guys! The winged lion! Not only he can’t fly; he can barely stay on his feet, to the point that he had to place his foot over a sacred book in order to keep the balance. The donkey is stoned to the point that his eyes seem about to explode, and the whale is in a state in which he can’t close his mouth and barely realizes what’s going on around him”.
“He was always smart though” he went on about Banana Llama, “if you look at the eyes of the whole bunch you’ll see he’s the only one who’s not high. The dealers’ golden rule: don’t consume. Anyway, what’s that weird retinue doing all day long after him? I bet he sends them to do the dirtiest deeds in exchange for some substance. He even got someone who could perform those dirty deeds under water. Not exactly a dream team, but they seem to be willing to do anything he tells them to”.
Then he proceeded to analyze the events of the last days between his beloved Nieve and his rival No Cause. “Bah, taking Nieve in public transport, in the London overcrowded public transport, talk about being stingy… Poor Nieve, princesses like her deserve to be taken in a decent motorbike, not in a subway wagon as if they were cattle. I bet he even made her pay for her ticket and he sat down while she had to stay standing… and he probably made her walk on the way back, to save the money of the tickets”. Then he followed with a message directed towards Nieve: “Nieve, don’t despair, baby… daddy’s coming to rescue you from that cheapskate boy, you’ll soon see what being with a real male llama feels like”.
“So, making use of the old trick of visiting rich relatives to impress the lady with their money, not exactly classy. Well, some of us have a motorbike and great biceps, others do what they can... Ice skating, really? Who does he think he is, Disney on ice? Besides, you go at what, 15 km/h? Couldn’t he find anything more boring to do? And those 3 huts on the beach, doing the math with Banana Llama and his retinue, it seems sure that when Nieve and No Cause got themselves in the bed they touched something furry with their feet and realized they’d have to share the bed with the lion or the cow, breathing all the fumes of their pipes or whatever those animals smoke”.
“I’ve got to painfully admit that that weakling then gave a step in the right direction in Birmingham though, trying to introduce Nieve to the world of engines and fast machines, but even then I’m sure he’s doing it only because he wants to resemble me. Good thing that he took photos of him and Nieve there, because good cars and motorbikes are too much to handle for that kid when they are out of a museum. The tour of the Important Guys from the Industrial Revolution is a point in his favour though, I’ve always wanted to do it and I’m sure Nieve must have enjoyed it. But that No Cause boy can’t even stop being a weirdo for a second, what is he doing coming out of the bull’s ass? Even the bull seems to be looking at him like 'what the hell are you doing in my rear, man?'”.
Last thing I knew from Lorenzo, he was already in Colombia, from where he sent this enigmatic tweet:
I alerted Nieve about your post Lorenzo. She writes.
Really!? Children and cripples adoring you? Shameless. Winning a pro race? (by playing dirty) Puleeeze! All those “epic” macho feats, mooching, taking advantage of your fellow llama’s good faith, slandering the love of my life AND Banana Llama!?? You are the bore, Lorenzo Renegade!
I can already imagine the stories you’ll write about conquering the Columbian drug lords! OH! And doing a Kevel over Trumps Mexican wall! What’s that? The wall is not built yet? Will be the time it will take to find your way out of the country. Or maybe you will be spending the rest of your life hung up by your hoofs.
And, why are you headed for Ohio?
Remember we know someone who was IMPORTANT in the Industrial Revolution. Seems he and his chums make the Peaky Blinders look like pranksters!
It's such a treat to read this thread and feel all warm and fuzzy to see Horacewimp's lovely pics of Nieve and No Cause soaking up all the treats of Brum, some most romantic and inventive photography there.
I was also much impressed (despite his misguided pursuit of Nieve) with the exploits of Lorenzo, so dashing in his heart-shaped specs, wools wafting majestically in the breeze. And winning the rally by fair means and foul, you can't doubt his steely resolve.
Unfortunately this all went out of the window when reading his slanderous comments on the totally innocent Banana Llama and his merry band. Tsk, it's obvious he is confusing Banana Llama with his evil and psychotic twin, Bandana Llama - indeed an evil trafficker in nefarious substances and who rules his gang with an iron hoof. And anyone can see the expressions on the Banana Gang's faces are simply wide-eyed wonder at the sparkliness of Cardiff at New Year, remember it's very quiet and peaceful in their usual lair on the bookcase next to me, apart from the odd burst of manic gigglings from my good self. And there is most definitely no bed-sharing (because there aren't any beds, they live on top of the radio)
It's all good entertainment, it doesn't cost a penny