As some of you know, I've been on a road trip recently. At one point I stopped at a gas station and while I was having a sandwich at the buffet, I saw a Harley Davidson parked outside and took a photo of it.
This machine, in these latitudes? Only one guy could be the owner. I started walking around the gas station and at one point I spotted him. He hadn't changed much: tall, muscular, long wool, goodlooking, with a bit of a latino charm to him, there he was: Lorenzo Llama.
So I greeted my old friend who saluted me very warmly and we started chatting. One thing I noticed immediately is that he hadn't lost an inch of his charm with the ladies. As we were standing there, a cage truck full of llamas who were being transported from one farm to another passed by. The lady llamas in it started shouting to Lorenzo the most obscene and vulgar proposals -the lighter ones going about why instead of riding his motorbike he didn't ride... sorry, I can't go on - while they spit into the air, which in the language of llamas is the equivalent to throwing their bras at him.
Lorenzo told me about his recent life. He had been mostly carrying on his usual renegade existence, respecting no law and enjoying the worldly pleasures of life at will, until one day he saw a picture on the internet of this apparently beautiful lady llama called Nieve who lives in Ohio. That's when the unthinkable happened. Lorenzo Llama, the renegade, the bad boy, the camelid desperado, the free spirit who knows not law but his own desires, suddenly was no longer free: he fell in love with Nieve. I won't go on about the rest because you already know of it: the letters, the appearance of No Cause for a Llama, Nieve's interest in him, the fundraising and the trip to meet Nieve, convince her to drop No Cause and escape with him on his motorbike.
So Lorenzo picked his Harley Davidson and immediately hit the road. This happened because his motorbike was losing oil so as he was going to ride on it he inadvertently stepped on an oil stain, slipped and fell face first on the pavement, hitting the road with his cheek, while instants later his heavy Davidson fell over him. But the Renegade is a tough boy and wouldn’t let this ill omen intimidate him, to the point that he took the chance to make a few pushups with his motorcycle still over him, then stood up as if anything, sexily cleaned the oil on his muscles and finally started his journey.
On the first junction, Lorenzo realized why he was having that strange sensation that he had left some detail forgotten: as the junction became visible it hit him that he hadn’t watched a map in order to know how to get from Argentina to the United States. So he approached a llama that was grazing nearby and ask him “Hi mate, to the United States, is it left or right?”. “Left” answered the grazing llama. So Lorenzo went on his way. After a few hours of travelling he started spotting several flags on the side of the road, green and white flags with a red dragon in them, and there were also signs and banners in a very strange language, featuring words as unintelligible as “croeso”, “defaid” and “hurtynnod”. “Wales? I’m closer to that No Cause guy than I thought! I could take the chance to teach that weakling a lesson”. However, later on he found out he was in the Welsh part of the Argentine Patagonia, which meant he was further South (and further away from Ohio) than when he first started. Had the grazing llama sent him the wrong way? “No, I’ve always had this thing that I get left and right mixed up” he explained to me.
So this useless detour had costed him a lot of time and distance, which he felt he had to make up for so he decided to double the speed at which he was travelling. He headed North at an average speed of 180 km/h, always with Nieve on his mind. Now the local residents of such peaceful places weren’t happy to have a bandit plying their roads at such dangerous speeds, so they tried to make their lazy police officers do something about it. The officers reacted with a mix of indignation at being told to work and sarcasm at the cause of the local’s concerns. “Let me see if I understand correctly, are you really wanting me to believe that you saw a llama riding a Harley-Davidson at 180 km/h??? A llama… in a Harley-Davidson… at 180 km/h??? Hah! As if I’m going to believe such a thing! It’s a well-known fact that the fastest registered speed a llama has ever gone on a Harley Davidson is 142 km/h”. When the local authorities finally gave up to the public pressure, pulled their butts out of their seats and tried to go after Lorenzo, the Renegade was already crossing the high plateau of the South of Bolivia, hundreds of kilometres away from them, and that is the last I knew from him.
But, back in time to the gas station meeting, before saying goodbye to me Lorenzo gave me a poster which I share below.
As with the previous poster, this one was the product of him needing to advertise and promote his trip in order to get some funds from people supporting him, as well as some fame which he hopes will come in handy for free food and shelter along the way. “I also wanted to reflect my new state of mind” he affirmed, “to tell the world how I’m feeling, and I thought those glasses were excellent for those purposes… plus it’s a classy touch which I’m sure a fine lady like Nieve will appreciate”.
Meanwhile, near the shores of lake Erie, and in Western London...
“Is he out of his pea addled brain mind!?” shouted Nieve at me over the phone, after she read LLR’s latest. “That llama couldn’t find his way out of a closet!! He can’t find his butt unless it has a bell on it!! Dora The Explorer is still in South America and already a disaster this trip!” Then No Cause yelled, “He’d mess up a junk yard!!”. I think I heard Vlog saying, “Now, now……
Nieve was just getting started! *tisk* “Did you get a load of those glasses!? Gas station designer wear! Buy 5 quarts of oil, get a free pair! Asking for free food and shelter! Glorified panhandler! Ya, you go Rocky, doing a push-up with a bike on your back!” Very sure there was a *massive eye roll* made when saying this.
She told me that they are discussing what do next.
...and now it can be told - the llama lovebirds have indeed been spending the New Year amongst friends, specifically their cousin Banana Llama and his motley gang of chums. Here they all are forming a welcome party in Cardiff city centre as Nieve and No Cause arrived
Then it was off for some festive skating in front of City Hall as the fireworks sparkled in the New Year - it's a shame it's so crowded you can't quite make out the fantastic way No Cause swished across the ice whilst twirling Nieve effortlessly above his head, amazing.
And after all that energetic partying it was back to Penarth for a snuggly night or two in one of the many delightful beach huts on the promenade. Of course should Lorenzo turn up he'll never guess which one they're staying in...
It's a relief to know that my baby girl has such good friends in vlogdance and unomusette ! And is being well protected by No Cause, too. Nieve is not sharing many sordid stories of the high-jinx's they've gotten up to with Banana Llama and his party animals. Best I don't know. I'd have her butt back on the first plane. Lorenzo R or no Lorenzo R! (Seems No Cause and the blue whale are tight and the ring leaders for trouble.)
Now where is Lorenzo Renegade at? " style="max-width:100%;"] Has he even left South America?
Do the kids really need to keep on traveling?
Nieve told me that after she posted the London subway sign on her Facebook, her followers shot up to 4 billion, million! (Well, that's what she told me. Teenagers. )
After having success using the London and Cardiff transport systems Nieve and No Cause had plans to spread their wings and visit other areas of the UK.
Coming from Argentina they were both big sports fans and loved Formullama One racing, from their Birmingham based llama friend (who was important in the Industrial Revolution) they knew about a museum at Donnington Racetrack, they jumped on the 9.29 train and were soon there checking out the cars with fellow Llamas.
After the museum they realised how close they were to Birmingham where their Llama friend (who was important in the Industrial Revolution) lived and so decided to visit. While chatting on the train to Birmingham Nieve and No Cause realised they were both big fans of the Electric Llama Orchestra who's leader Jeff Llama they remembered also came from Birmingham. Excitedly they met up with the Llama (who was important in the Industrial Revolution) who gave them a tour of statues, Nieve did ask some awkward questions but the local Llama brushed these off with some standard comments about Birminghams industrial past.
They saw Jeff Llamas star on Broad Street but sadly as it was raining they had to rush off. Below are some pictures they took.
The Birmingham Llama (who was important in the Industrial Revolution) took Nieve and No Cause for some beer and curry down the Digbeth area of Birmingham, the Llamas recognised this from the TV series Peaky Blinders and got very scared they decided to get the last train to London to continue their adventures....
Ah, they're back here now, full of stories about the wonderful time they had in the Second City. Big thanks to Birmingham Llama for showing them around. They especially enjoyed seeing the statue of the bull who played a similar role to Birmingham Llama's in the industrial revolution. Thanks, Horacewimp, for documenting the visit so well.
Nieve is still giggling about the incident in the curry house, when No Cause asked the waiter for a spicy vegetable snack made Buenos Aires-style. On hearing this, the owner panicked and told them: "No Argie bhaji in here!!"