Post by vlogdance on May 24, 2021 12:13:59 GMT
Hello, everyone. From my archives, here's some ELO fan fiction I wrote a few years ago.
At the time, the BBC was showing an adaptation of War And Peace. To amuse unomusette, I wrote a Russian saga about the adventures of Count Kaminski, who started a band but fell foul of rival songwriter Jeff Lennyne, while at the same time searching for happiness with his dream lady, a mysterious figure dressed in white fur.
(I should explain - the character of Madam Pushy Yankovic is not anyone we know personally. She's a figure based on some, ahem, enthusiastic ladies who shower appreciation on their favourite musicians, on social media. And the white fur lady is, er, based on someone who once attended a concert by The Orchestra in Krakow, Poland, while wearing a white furry jacket *smiles dreamily*. Yes, of course it's me. Well, it's my story!)
Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.
War And Peace With ELO
The hero, Count Kaminski, is trying to manage his woodland estate, with the help of his associates Boris Wimp and Eric Troika. While playing his blue balalaika, he encounters a musical revolutionary, Jeff Lenynne (accompanied as ever by the loyal Nijinsky twins). There's an awkward clash with Bevan The Terrible. But then a worse disaster - Count K finds himself pursued by the scheming Madam Pushy Yankovic, and has to flee to his ancestral home of Krakow. But things look up when he meets a mysterious charmer dressed in white fur...
In the next chapter, Count Kaminski, inspired by the revolutionary Jeff Lenynne, forms a band with his old friend Eric Troika and two new recruits, Glen Bolshevik and Parthenon Husky. They plan to take a Baltic cruise to entertain their audiences, while Jeff goes down a storm at the Glasnost Festival. But, disaster! Madam Pushy Yankovic has booked a cabin on the Baltic vessel! Distraught, Count K hurries to his woodland home for solace, dreaming of the girl he met in Krakow. Will he ever meet his long-lost admirer again?
Count Kaminski and his band complete their Baltic cruise to great acclaim, performing hits like "Standin' In Ukraine", "Tsar-Light" and "Mr Bluski". Count K has even managed to avoid Pushy Yankovic by hiding under a fur-lined cape for most of the voyage. But, once home, disappointment - the young people don't want to listen to these classic tunes, they're all into today's fads, like Lady Gagarin, and the exiled teen band, One Defection. Count K and the band decide to cover a new release - Jeff Lenynne's ode to canine loyalty, "When I Was A Borzoi". But there's trouble right away - Jeff is not happy, and sends his colleague Tomsk Petrograd to warn the band to stop playing his songs. Will this mean a Cold Feet War? Count K lies awake at night, his heart pounding like a racehorse, One Steppe At A Time, as he yearns for his lost vision in white fur. Will he ever find her again?
Count Kaminski and his band were anxious at the prospect of having to take on Jeff Lenynne and his cohorts, the Kremlin Wilburys, in hand-to-hand combat. But Fate has taken a hand - Jeff has become enamoured of notorious adventuress Rosie Vodka, and wants nothing more than to spend all his time with her, composing his latest masterpiece, A Nureyev World Record. Sighing with relief, Count K and the band get down to writing and performing a bold new song, Honest Mendeleev.
But, horrors! Madam Pushy Yankovic has taken to parading around the salons of Moscow, wearing a daring new garment, a P Husky T-shirt, which has scandalised the aristocracy. There's more Tutting than Putin going on there these days. Thoroughly embarrassed, Count K hides from smart society by shopping among the common people at Mauritz's market. But what's this? Someone has been rearranging the spices to spell out 'secret messages' about his new band! Who is their mystery admirer? Could it be... Count K gallops home on his trusty steed, thrilled that his long-lost white fur lady could be thinking of him.
Back on his woodland estate, Count Kaminski panics when he receives a missive signed by the KGB. But, No Cossack For Alarm, it's simply a card from Kelly Groucutt's Boys, the sons of his old friend, wishing him luck with his music. He'll need it too - his neck nearly got broken when Pushy Yankovic hurled herself at him after the band's last show. To make matters, Jeff Lenynne has written a cheeky song, "Dimitri To The Bone", about a visit to the chiropractor, clearly based on this embarrassing incident. To recuperate, Count K goes to sit by the river. Watching it flow, a melody comes into his head, and soon he's playing a charming new tune, Volga Dance. It's an instant hit with teenagers. For some strange reason, Count K keeps thinking of his long-lost white fur lady when he plays it. There's just something about the name of the song. He resolves to write a parchment containing the names of all his special tunes, and one day present the list to his lost vision, should they ever meet again. The dream goes on…
In the final chapter of the Russian saga, it's a summer evening, and a crowd has gathered in the city’s main square, for Jeff Lenynne is to be awarded a Tsar on the national Walk of Fame. Will he turn up for the ceremony, or will it be Nyet In The City? Will he perform one of his classic songs, Turn To Estonia, It’s Pavlova or Yeltsin In The Sun? Or will he croon the standard he recently covered, Crimea River? The crowd murmurs with anticipation.
Count Kaminski has joined the onlookers, somewhat reluctantly – he’d rather be at home on his woodland estate, practising his new song, Rouble Rhythms. But now the speeches begin. City officials list the musicians and bands previously honoured: Marx Bolan, Br-Ivan Wilson (famed for his Serf music), the Fabergé Four, the Idle Raisa and the Muse-covites. Here comes Jeff Lenynne, accompanied by his loyal wolfhound, Wolf Gibson. Oh, no! Gibson has spotted a cat and gone bounding across the square towards the startled felineski, who runs up a nearby tree and mews in fright.
With no thought for his own safety, cat-lover Count K braves the barking menace and climbs the tree to rescue the tabski, to warm applause from the onlookers. Then a sudden shriek pierces the air. That other barking menace, Pushy Yankovic, has barged through the crowd to slobber over her hero. But wait! Wolf Gibson's leapt in and greeted her with a smartly-timed nip on the bum. Yelping, she flees the scene, the hound in fierce pursuit.
Count K carries the felineski down the tree to safety, looks around for its owner – and there she is. Standing on the pavement, gazing at him – it’s his white fur lady. Stopping only to set the tabski on its four white paws, Count K runs towards his beloved and embraces her. The rest of the world melts away as they hold each other in Silent Love, the felineski rubbing around their legs, purring sweet music. The crowd all sigh, Gogol-eyed. Jeff, watching from the podium, bursts into a new song: “I’m so Vlad I found you, I just want to be around you, Orlov My Life”.
The crowd applauds as Count K whisks his lady towards his horse-drawn sleigh. Safely inside, the two cwtch up together under a white fur blanket, the felineski curled at their feet. Jeff, the city officials and the crowd wave and cheer as the three of them drive off to the Count’s woodland home, never to part.
(As told to publishers Milosevic and Boon, 2020.)
At the time, the BBC was showing an adaptation of War And Peace. To amuse unomusette, I wrote a Russian saga about the adventures of Count Kaminski, who started a band but fell foul of rival songwriter Jeff Lennyne, while at the same time searching for happiness with his dream lady, a mysterious figure dressed in white fur.
(I should explain - the character of Madam Pushy Yankovic is not anyone we know personally. She's a figure based on some, ahem, enthusiastic ladies who shower appreciation on their favourite musicians, on social media. And the white fur lady is, er, based on someone who once attended a concert by The Orchestra in Krakow, Poland, while wearing a white furry jacket *smiles dreamily*. Yes, of course it's me. Well, it's my story!)
Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.
War And Peace With ELO
The hero, Count Kaminski, is trying to manage his woodland estate, with the help of his associates Boris Wimp and Eric Troika. While playing his blue balalaika, he encounters a musical revolutionary, Jeff Lenynne (accompanied as ever by the loyal Nijinsky twins). There's an awkward clash with Bevan The Terrible. But then a worse disaster - Count K finds himself pursued by the scheming Madam Pushy Yankovic, and has to flee to his ancestral home of Krakow. But things look up when he meets a mysterious charmer dressed in white fur...
In the next chapter, Count Kaminski, inspired by the revolutionary Jeff Lenynne, forms a band with his old friend Eric Troika and two new recruits, Glen Bolshevik and Parthenon Husky. They plan to take a Baltic cruise to entertain their audiences, while Jeff goes down a storm at the Glasnost Festival. But, disaster! Madam Pushy Yankovic has booked a cabin on the Baltic vessel! Distraught, Count K hurries to his woodland home for solace, dreaming of the girl he met in Krakow. Will he ever meet his long-lost admirer again?
Count Kaminski and his band complete their Baltic cruise to great acclaim, performing hits like "Standin' In Ukraine", "Tsar-Light" and "Mr Bluski". Count K has even managed to avoid Pushy Yankovic by hiding under a fur-lined cape for most of the voyage. But, once home, disappointment - the young people don't want to listen to these classic tunes, they're all into today's fads, like Lady Gagarin, and the exiled teen band, One Defection. Count K and the band decide to cover a new release - Jeff Lenynne's ode to canine loyalty, "When I Was A Borzoi". But there's trouble right away - Jeff is not happy, and sends his colleague Tomsk Petrograd to warn the band to stop playing his songs. Will this mean a Cold Feet War? Count K lies awake at night, his heart pounding like a racehorse, One Steppe At A Time, as he yearns for his lost vision in white fur. Will he ever find her again?
Count Kaminski and his band were anxious at the prospect of having to take on Jeff Lenynne and his cohorts, the Kremlin Wilburys, in hand-to-hand combat. But Fate has taken a hand - Jeff has become enamoured of notorious adventuress Rosie Vodka, and wants nothing more than to spend all his time with her, composing his latest masterpiece, A Nureyev World Record. Sighing with relief, Count K and the band get down to writing and performing a bold new song, Honest Mendeleev.
But, horrors! Madam Pushy Yankovic has taken to parading around the salons of Moscow, wearing a daring new garment, a P Husky T-shirt, which has scandalised the aristocracy. There's more Tutting than Putin going on there these days. Thoroughly embarrassed, Count K hides from smart society by shopping among the common people at Mauritz's market. But what's this? Someone has been rearranging the spices to spell out 'secret messages' about his new band! Who is their mystery admirer? Could it be... Count K gallops home on his trusty steed, thrilled that his long-lost white fur lady could be thinking of him.
Back on his woodland estate, Count Kaminski panics when he receives a missive signed by the KGB. But, No Cossack For Alarm, it's simply a card from Kelly Groucutt's Boys, the sons of his old friend, wishing him luck with his music. He'll need it too - his neck nearly got broken when Pushy Yankovic hurled herself at him after the band's last show. To make matters, Jeff Lenynne has written a cheeky song, "Dimitri To The Bone", about a visit to the chiropractor, clearly based on this embarrassing incident. To recuperate, Count K goes to sit by the river. Watching it flow, a melody comes into his head, and soon he's playing a charming new tune, Volga Dance. It's an instant hit with teenagers. For some strange reason, Count K keeps thinking of his long-lost white fur lady when he plays it. There's just something about the name of the song. He resolves to write a parchment containing the names of all his special tunes, and one day present the list to his lost vision, should they ever meet again. The dream goes on…
In the final chapter of the Russian saga, it's a summer evening, and a crowd has gathered in the city’s main square, for Jeff Lenynne is to be awarded a Tsar on the national Walk of Fame. Will he turn up for the ceremony, or will it be Nyet In The City? Will he perform one of his classic songs, Turn To Estonia, It’s Pavlova or Yeltsin In The Sun? Or will he croon the standard he recently covered, Crimea River? The crowd murmurs with anticipation.
Count Kaminski has joined the onlookers, somewhat reluctantly – he’d rather be at home on his woodland estate, practising his new song, Rouble Rhythms. But now the speeches begin. City officials list the musicians and bands previously honoured: Marx Bolan, Br-Ivan Wilson (famed for his Serf music), the Fabergé Four, the Idle Raisa and the Muse-covites. Here comes Jeff Lenynne, accompanied by his loyal wolfhound, Wolf Gibson. Oh, no! Gibson has spotted a cat and gone bounding across the square towards the startled felineski, who runs up a nearby tree and mews in fright.
With no thought for his own safety, cat-lover Count K braves the barking menace and climbs the tree to rescue the tabski, to warm applause from the onlookers. Then a sudden shriek pierces the air. That other barking menace, Pushy Yankovic, has barged through the crowd to slobber over her hero. But wait! Wolf Gibson's leapt in and greeted her with a smartly-timed nip on the bum. Yelping, she flees the scene, the hound in fierce pursuit.
Count K carries the felineski down the tree to safety, looks around for its owner – and there she is. Standing on the pavement, gazing at him – it’s his white fur lady. Stopping only to set the tabski on its four white paws, Count K runs towards his beloved and embraces her. The rest of the world melts away as they hold each other in Silent Love, the felineski rubbing around their legs, purring sweet music. The crowd all sigh, Gogol-eyed. Jeff, watching from the podium, bursts into a new song: “I’m so Vlad I found you, I just want to be around you, Orlov My Life”.
The crowd applauds as Count K whisks his lady towards his horse-drawn sleigh. Safely inside, the two cwtch up together under a white fur blanket, the felineski curled at their feet. Jeff, the city officials and the crowd wave and cheer as the three of them drive off to the Count’s woodland home, never to part.
(As told to publishers Milosevic and Boon, 2020.)